Nachos vs. Popcorn

Ah, yes. The epic battle. The age old question that stumped the greatest minds of our time and of past history. Do you prefer the crunchy mound of fried corn triangles piled high with guacamole, cheese, peppers, black beans and salsa? Or, do you prefer the crunchy and salty snap of puffed corn covered in butter and/or with a sweet candied coating? Nachos or Popcorn? What will it be?

Nachos:

1. Are Gang Food. Yeah…you got to love those people who think nachos are a lowly cuisine of the dirty plebeian masses. Well, this ragamuffin loves these tasty delights. What is not to love about all those bullet ridden avocados and gang-banger black beans? Feel your inner vato and go for the nachos if you dare. Beware if you are a white male with a nasally dork voice or have a Midwest accent. Your peers might think you are a radical and a troublemaker in disguise. Those crunchy nachos can be used a weapons you know. You better not get caught with those at the airport. Security might think they are Mexican ninja stars or box cutters. Long live gang food.
2. Are Godsent. It might be true. Even if your an agnostic or an atheist, the pure design of the nacho stack of goopy goodness may make you think maybe there is a higher power involved with all this. How else can you explain this sumptuous food? It's perfectly layered sins, its levels of rich kingdoms, its moment of creation when you take your first bite and taste the overwhelming genesis that we call nachos.

Popcorn

1. Is for Pimple Headed Kids. So what? We were all pimple headed kids at one time that were addicted to this other genre of corn junk food. Salty, crunchy, sometimes sweet and even candy coated? OMG! This is bliss. Caramel covered popcorn? Chocolate covered popcorn? Can it get any more tempting? It probably can. Yo can still find nacho flavored popcorn. What does that say about popcorn? What does that say about nachos? I think we are still all a bunch of pimple headed teenagers looking for our crunchy, salty, sugary fix. 
2. Smells soooo good. Watch out. When fresh popcorn is opened, it's a Pandora's box of hunger pains. The divine smell permeates every pore of your body and soul until it awakens the hunger beast. Even if in hibernation, the warm toasty smell conjures up memories of old and lights a desire to crunch down on that warm tasting treat. Can one contemplate life over a bowl of perfectly buttered and salted popcorn? It's quite possible. The bowl can almost be viewed as a Japanese meditation rock garden. But when cooked too long and it sets on fire and turns pitch black, that smell lingers for days and it too, permeates everything. Your hair, your clothing, your underwear, your dog and your cat, the toupee next door… It all smells like a California summer wildfire, or Beijing summer smog for that matter.

How can corn be made into both of these unearthly delights? Don't question the making, just eat it. Which is superior? Which represents the third eye in the Shiva? Can one come close to actual Nirvana? Not sure, but they make my tummy happy.

Netflix vs. Video Rental Stores

Today it easy as driving to your local movie rental store or going to your computer to download a movie to see a movie of your liking. No more waiting in lines at the theater. Things are rapidly changing. Want to watch a movie on your desktop computer? Done. Want to watch a movie on your laptop? Done. What to watch a movie on your phone? Hello iPhone. Next is the wrist watch movie player, or the movie player built right into your contact lenses. Any way you slice it, your movie addiction can be viewed into submission almost anywhere now. So, what is better then? What is the difference or benefits of going to Blockbuster or using Netflix? Going to the store or going online to either get mailed a movie and or downloading one?

Netflix:

1. Does not have adult movies. Yes, I said what everyone else was thinking, but afraid to say to their friends, family and neighbors. No porn at Netflix? Everyone else is cashing in on this annual 9 billion dollar industry. Why not Netflix? Are they scared of backlash? Of losing contracts with movie studios? They should be scared that Apple might do this in the future and make billions more per year. Maybe they are from the Puritan sect that seems to still be holding America hostage. Maybe they can be like Blockbuster and edit out all the dirty little scenes or just put bright yellow happy faces on all the nasty little people parts that seems to scare sexually repressed America. It would look like a happy face dance party. Bouncing all over the screen and getting smaller, larger, disappearing, appearing…glow in the dark anyone?
2. Scared to digitally put-out. Getting movies through the mail is great. But for those that don't work, have no social life, or are just plain movie sluts, they come fast enough. The solution? Netflix has movies online too. These can be downloaded if you have a PC, sorry mac people (I am screwed too). You can always install Parallels and put a PC platform on your Mac, which might be worth doing, except that there are not that many good movies available online yet. There are 10,000 movies for download, but never the one you want to see. Are they scared? What's the deal Netflix? Put them all up so we can see them all in a never-ending movieathon. Take the whole week off from work, make a gallon of espresso with a pound of sugar in it, drink it every hour and watch movies for a week straight–24/7. Imagine all the movies you could see? Now imagine if they were adult movies…After a week of that you would be cured for life of ever wanting to see another one of those movies…okay maybe just cured for a week or so. Come on, be honest now.

Video Rental Stores:

1. Are not in your mailbox. Who wants to drive to the store after a long day at work to see a movie that most likely will be rented out anyways? How many times have you weaved your way through the crowds of people in those narrow isles, only to find that the person in front of you just grabbed the last copy of the movie you have been dying to see? All too often. Why do you think most video stores are going the Netflix route and offering to mail the discs to you home? Now if they offered everything for download…watch out Netflix. What if they actually drove the disc to your home and dropped it into your mailbox? Better yet, what if they came on over, made you dinner, opened a bottle of wine, set up the movie, gave you a deep-tissue massage while you watched the movie, fed your cats and dogs and kids, did the dishes, and then returned the movie back to their store immediately after? Now, that might beat Netfix.
2. Like to sell you lots of crappy candy. I guess since they cannot bring the entire movie experience to you, they try to bring you to the fake experience by placing all that crappy junk food, popcorn and high fructose corn syrup directly in front of your face at the checkout line and at the counter. Maybe they think that you will magically become insane, believe you are at the movie theater and buy all that crap for your friends, lover and kids. The problem is, where are all those hugely over-packed bathrooms, video arcades, and sticky soda covered floors? I guess the nice thing is that you can get a good sugar high and claim the twinkie defense for any insane actions that result from a toxic overload of sugar in your brain.

Stay at home and wait for that movie to show up in your mailbox or drive over to the local strip mall to pick up a movie that will most likely be out of stock? Maybe we should all get an Apple TV, or maybe not.

Carnivores vs. Vegetarians

Does that rack of lamb beckon you? Can you resist that kobe beef burger with smoked bacon? What about that seared ahi salad with a side of ale steamed mussels? How hard would these be to give up? I know I can't do it. It takes a dedication and partial disgust to live a lifestyle away from our muscle-mass (that's meat for you carnivores out there) addicted society (and World for that matter). Why do Carnivores get upset when they hear someone is a vegetarian? Strange. Did you ever meet an over enthusiastic vegetarian? Well, lets explore this.

Carnivores

1. Are Meatheads? What a silly question. Of course, you are what you eat. So the answer is YES! Me caveman…eat meat…uhhhh. Wait, maybe that's what all those meatheads from the Midwest say…I am not sure. I may be confused. Sometimes, you have to wonder if all the meat they eat replaces their brain. Meat in, brain out. Maybe that is why the bathroom stinks so much after eating all those ribs, fish tacos, hanger steaks, bison burgers and lamb eyes…just kidding on that one. Does meat and football go hand in hand? Does America and meat go hand in hand? Maybe it just one big happy flag waving football carrying sausagefest? Anyone have the lube, I mean the ketchup?
2. Subconsciously Feel Guilty. So why so angry when a vegetarian is in the group? Why so upset when someone mentions vegetarian food? Hostility galore I say! This is very strange behavior indeed. Would Sigmund Freud have a field day with this one? Indeed. Maybe it's tofu envy. Remember all that talk about train tunnels and trains? What about meat and mouth? Seriously now, it makes sense that heavy meat eaters would take offense at the lack of meat in a meal. They know they should not be eating all that meat and when someone else is able to actually resist meat, it makes the meat eater feel guilty. Thereby, turning the guilt into hostility towards the one they really admire. Thank God for those college level psychology courses! So next time you take a bite into a juicy burger of sin, say thank you to your vegehead friend. Then proceed to eat the burger and make stinky poop.

Vegetarians

1. Are Stinky, Health Freak Hippies. Pass the patchouli and sage man. Want to join a hug circle? Then go to your local coop (or Whole Foods for rich hippies) to find your neighborhood hippies and discover odd vegetarian and even spooky vegan food delights. The stuff looks rather weird. Stinky, everyone is stinky. Usually, the more dairy and meat one eats, the stinkier they are. It's just the way it is. But those organic $8 deodorants smell all herbally and funky, like a incense addicted Hari Chistna with a bowl of potpourri. Health Freaks? Usually…well sort of. If you don't count the fact that most vegetarians have a wicked sweet tooth that would put children at Halloween to shame, then yes. Just ask any random kid on the street. Bets are that they were robbed by a squirrely vegetarian needing a sugar fix last Halloween. So, vegies can be just as fat as your obese carnivore, but may stink less like BO. Unless they don't use deodorant at all.
2. Want to Save the World With Hugs. Following that hug circle, what if we all held hands, smiled at each other, wore hemp shoes, used public transportation, bought local and organic, and played acoustic fair-traded guitars during campfires? What would the world become if we hugged everything instead of bombing everything? What happens when everyone holding hands and hugging has to go to the bathroom at the same time after eating too much vegan raw food? There is only so much time you can hold that hot lava in your south facing cavern before it explodes like Mt. Saint Helens. Image the looks on everyone's faces and the toxic sludge that would be created in the aftermath. There again, is that smell issue. 

Meat is tempting, but causes everything from global warming (from all the methane gas expelled by all those cows–causes more global warming than cars) to heart attacks to constipation. Vegies will give you the runs, never fill you up and make you look uber healthy to your macho friends. What side do you take?  

Conservatives vs. Liberals

Ready to get offended or upset at nothing? Politics and our association with them and their values are sure to cause a few fist fights or at least a few exchanges or sharp words. Are you a tree hugging, earth loving, organic food eating, local economy supporting liberal, or a fascist, globalization supporting, racist and sexist conservative? Maybe we are all a little of each. Especially these days.

Liberals:

1. Are tree-hugging wimps. Are you a soft spoken pony-tailed acoustic guitar playing Birkenstock lover? Liberals tend to have a mind set of an idealist. The world should be fair and we should be fair to everyone and everything. Don't use up the natural resources, go buy a Prius and buy hemp and bamboo clothing to minimize our carbon footprint and resource usage. Is it that bad? As long as your not eating vegan food, it should be okay. Its when you put a raw food taco into your mouth followed by a shot of wheatgrass with gojiberries that you have to worry. Are liberals more tender and compassionate? Yes, in general. They think about the future and plan long term. That is why they think that way. Short term thinking creates massive destruction, wars and decimates global economies? Sound familiar?
2. Again, they eat weird stuff. Why don't they like red meat? What the heck is that toe kung fu stuff they eat? Tofu…Seitan…Tempeh? Is this a foreign language? Skip the single bland potato, skip the meat-head steak, skip the bland Ohio and Midwest food and go for the strange, the exotic, the adventurous, straight to diarrhea. Yep, you heard it first…literally. That nasty brown Hershy squirt straight into your white undies. But, then again, you live 10-20 years longer than those who have cow fat hardened arteries, antibiotics and hormone residues stuck in their bodies at toxic levels. Who has the last laugh now?

Conservatives:

1. Are boring and wear funny clothes. No going to protests, rallies, signing petitions to protect the environment and challenge our government. It's all about protecting your money and your gun collection from those damn liberals who might pop up in the middle of the night and give you a group hug and a cup of hot cocoa. Watch out! They might make you into a decent human or make you want to reminisce with your neighbor about your childhood. It's just not fun if your not being harassed by the police for driving your Prius to a PETA meeting or for planting trees on the weekends in the local parks. Wearing a suit and tie to work, to dates, to bed… why no fun? But that pink polo with the collar up is golden. Especially, with those boating shoes when there is no yacht around and the woven leather belt that helps to tuck your shirt into your shorts. It may be the look of wealth and conservatism at leisure, but it sure looks silly as can be. At least the fashion police aren't around. The fashion meets the life. The life is serious and so is the future, in a short term sort of way. But, at least the Scotch is good as can be.
2. Like to hide things: I am not talking about hiding the salami, or your Scotch collection from your kids. Conservatives tend to have a disconnect from the rest of society. Their focus is on finances and information that supports that and their lifestyle. If our country goes to war based on government corruption at the highest level as well as to merely benefit their financial wealth and major corporations' wealth, as long as your stocks do well, then what the hell? Right? Invest in bomb companies and war companies and mercenary companies. Don't know these? PG&E, Lockhead Martin, Bowing, Raytheon, Blackwater, etc… Ah yes. The more information that is hidden from the masses, the less they will know about the corruption that is occurring which is incidentally making you rich. And that makes you feel less guilty. Information is power my friends. And power is a large Scotch collection including Macallan 30 and a place to hide the salami.

This could go on and on. Maybe I will expand it later. Is this a tug-o-war or a yin-yang existence? Do we need one with the other or is it all just a basket full of of poop-flinging loopy screeching monkeys?