"It's Just Allergies" vs. Real Allergies

Ah yes. Is that a cold you have or allergies? When that wind kicks-up and the pollen whips around the sky only to go directly into your eyes and brain, do you feel like your head is going to explode from all the pressure buildup? Or do you have a runny nose with yellowish green mucous oozing out? Did that checker at the store who coughed directly in your face have a cold or just a nacho flavored corn-nut lodged in the back of this throat? Either way, just claim you have allergies.

It's Just Allergies.

1. Guilt of a Cold. If you don't have a cold then you can't get your friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, dates, or your neighbors' kids sick. Yea! No cold. Time to go out and celebrate. No guilt here. But why do I feel so tired and am coughing up green slime that looks like a mangled Gumby? Don't worry, that must be a new type of allergy. Just like the new one that you had when you reached a 102 degree fever and were projectile vomiting across the bathroom floor. It's just allergies. Take a Claritin or go to your doctor's office to get an allergy shot. Isn't it odd how you only get allergies during the flu season? I know I only get my allergies when people around me are coughing, sneezing, hacking up a lung and saying they have bad allergies too. Oh, it must be the weather. The weather is bad today. Yeah, isn't it? Funny. The Claritin I have been taking for two weeks has not helped at all. So strange. It must be a new allergy.
2. Angry Friends. If I have a cold and sneeze on my friends, cough on my 104 year old Grandma, or wipe my snotty red nose on my neighbors' kid's head , all of them might become obtusely angry with me. Well, then I am not sick. To avoid the anger, once again repeat this phrase whenever anyone asks you if you are sick: (in a surprised and bubbly tone say, "It's just allergies". Good job. You faked them out that time. But what about the next? Will they get angry at you if they find out you were lying to them when you sneezed in their open mouth? What if they put all the signs together including the one that they got really sick two days after you sneezed on them? Solution: take a Magic Marker and fake them out. Instructions: first, with a small fine point Magic Marker make a small dot on the center of your outer shoulder, then with a larger red Magic Marker, make a larger red dot on top of the black dot. Perfect. You now have proof that you received an allergy shot, so you must not be sick despite what anyone says to you or how much snot is pouring out of your faucet of a nose. How could anyone be angry with that? After all, what fun is it when you can't get anyone else sick?

Real Allergies

1. Not a Cold. You don't feel sick. You don't look sick. You don't sound sick. But your eyes are on fire, your skin itches like crazy, your ears are red, your nose is dripping all over your upper lip with clear snot, and your sinuses and head are pounding with atom bomb powered pressure. Close, but no banana. Take a Claritin and it's mostly gone in a day. But, feel free to tell you friends and work that you are really sick and need to take some time off at home to get better. Go ahead and take several days. Or go and sit next to someone you don't like and tell them that you are feeling terrible and think you might have a fever and had some nasty Hershey squirts earlier in the morning. If you have not eaten in awhile, a perfectly  timed stomach grumble will do wonders to add authenticity to your story.
2. Bragging Rights. Because as soon as you say you have allergies, everyone else in the same room or on the same street will flock over to you and tell you what is wrong with them before you have a chance to finish communicating your own laundry list. There will be a full hour conversation about who has what and how bad it is. Who has the better allergies in this allergy community? It's basically a competition for the hypochondria crown (but that might make you scalp break out or itch). Bring it on. The more the merrier. Try making up a ridiculous doozy to see if someone else claims to have it as well. Like Girl Scout Cookies makes your genitals swell (that might get you an immediate laundry list of phone numbers) or if you eat fried chicken you start to shout out obscenities and speak in strange languages like the girl in Exorcist I. Watch out for people who agree that it's bad and they have it too. This person is on to you and will up the ante. Can you gain the prized aficionado status in the allergy club? Allergies with benefits.

It's a cold just face it.

High Society Bars vs. Pubs

A dimly lit hand-carved hardwood booth tucked away in the corner of a Gaelic decorated room with a wandering band of Irish musicians playing classic folk tunes for the afternoon, getting only a free lunch, the comfort of an authentic pub and a few tips here and there from happy Guinness soaked patrons...or will it be the coldly bright, sleek and modern decor, black faux fur cube chairs and plush white leather couches, center-of-attention-look-at-me-I'm-glamourous, open-space-no-where-to-hide-room so you can scope out every local hipster and potential one-nighter after each sip of your $20 peach infused martini? What's your flavor, glamour bars or pubs?

High Society Bars

1. Meat Market Galore. That's the whole purpose of these bars in the first place. If you are the type who is seeking one, you will need to head to your local ultra-luxury hotel or stop when you see a valet line of $100k shiny black tinted window SUVs and luxury cars pulling up with 20 to 40 year olds being hand carried from the vehicle by condescending silk-gloved indentured servants to the front door. This is it. Walk through that door and the world changes. No longer is the world you know exist, you now enter a sleek, sexy, highly-competitive dating environment usually reserved for professional call-girls, gigalos, gameshow hosts and B-rate actors. Welcome. Are your clothes up to snuff, is your hair groomed or disheveled enough, are your shoes nice enough for this? The thoughts pass as you walk through the door and enter the main room. Everything comes to a halt and everybody, I mean everybody, deliberately stops what they are engaged in (drinking, conversing, making out, sneaking out without paying the bill) and beams a cold and inquisitive look at you for exactly one second–until they realize you are not the celebrity flavor of the week. Sadly, the attention leaves and you walk up to the bar and order a $25 mojito and a bowl of organic edamame flown in fresh from some obscure temple in Kyoto. What are the other rich hipsters doing now? What and who are they talking about? Gossip and small talk are of the utmost importance here. Leave contemporary culture, politics, the environment and religious philosophical debate outside. Dumb yourself down, but stay arrogant. Talk about your car, your acting or directing career or make up some sort of a glamourous career (if the person next to you has a better one, just make something better up) and most importantly, talk about how great you are, but buy them a glass of champagne, a Belgian beer, or a nice glass of wine with some Horny Goat Weed extract in it. They need some incentive to stay with you and not move on to the next slickly-dressed, hipster wearing sunglasses at night candidate.
2. Hello Drinks and Appetizers, Goodbye Paycheck. This is the other purpose of these swanky establishments. They are carefully calculated to maximize profit per capita in their slick chairs and chromed designer bar stools. Otherwise, this place would be out of business in two months, except if it's backed by the Mafia (hint: if the owner wears all black and answers to a man cloaked in a dark secluded room at the back of the restaurant, it might have good Sicilian food. Be sure to ask). Triple the wine prices, double the beer prices, aim for the sky with the cocktails and the stratosphere for the few and very esoteric appetizers available. Word to the wise: beforehand, go and get yourself that big Italian deli sandwich or that WholeFoods $20 salad from their salad bar section, yes an entire section in the store just for fresh salads. Do you like buffalo wings, curly fries, nachos, or egg roles? Then you must leave now. Get up and go. Here you will get the smallest possible egg omelet in the world (made by the smallest asian hands in the world) served with one asparagus tip. $15 please. No? What about the half inch cube of raw ahi on four daikon radish sprouts with a squirt of wasabi? $20 please. Hey, but at least there is a dude in the bathroom ready with mints and warm towels. Please tip this poor guy. He has to suffer through all of your bowel movements and grunting as well as try to make conversation during your time there as so not to make things weird...it's already weird.

Pubs

1. Are for Drunks. Well, that may be true, but drunks are a lot of fun. These places might be too down-to-earth for some people and the drink and faire too blue-collar. After all, fish and chips don't come on a sushi plate or with a squirt of wasabi. But the drinks du jour are usually $4-$6 a pint. After a few of these, you will fit right in. You might even drink a few too many and start to talk in an Irish, English or Scottish accent. The bar staff loves it to death when strangers walk into their pub and do this. It will make you the star of the bar. After you are hit a few times on the head by real drunk English folk you will see stars flying around your head. Yes, you are restricted to either English, Irish, or even some Scottish ales. But that goes with the accent. Is this Redcoat oppression? Nope, just getting back at us from stealing their cotton and tobacco colony. That's okay. Wouldn't you rather get drunk off of some good old Murphy's or Bass and try to throw darts at the board, but usually hit the wall or some "sunglassses at night" hipster that thought this place was a trendy dive? No wasabi here, keep those $250 jeans moving. The only other person to talk to you in the bathroom here is the loud drunk guy holding a sloshing pint in one hand, the other hand on the wall so he doesn't fall over into the toilet, and in a slur, apologizing for thinking your shoe was the urinal. Or was that the reverse? After all, don't your shoes look dry?
2. Have great comfort food. You can find some of the coziest food at your local pub. From the nasty little dark brown and red Irish sausage discs (you don't want to know what's in those–just eat it fast, smile, keep from barfing it up, and order another Guinness) to the world's best fish n' chips, soul-filling shepard's pie, and if you're lucky, a true staple corned beef and cabbage boxty. Combine that with the large wooden booths you and your friends can hide away in and feel secluded from the rest of the pub, and you have a perfect rainy day, crackling-wood-in-the-fireplace hideout. To top that, wait until the midweek or Sunday afternoon and you might be lucky enough to hear a live band playing traditional Irish tunes. You could almost pretend you were in another country, away from our current political woes and civil liberty wounds. Comfort your worries away with pub style...drink and eat it away. No annoying hipsters or pretentious aspiring actresses trying too hard to be the center of attention. Glamour, glitz, and vanity all gone. Just relax, be yourself and enjoy your time. Is there a lesson to learn here? Maybe, but it's hard to ponder when you're feeling so good.

Go to where you feel at home. 

Real Chocolate vs. Milk and White Chocolate

How many times have you walked up to the chocolate section in your favorite store and realized that the selection was baffling? So many types of chocolate and so many flavors. Do you go broke buying all the $5 dollar bars (we are not talking about Hershey's chocolate here) or just gamble and buy the ones with the animals on the front of the bar wrapper? If there are animals on the front it must be good, right? Because this means they 1. are fed to those animals? 2. made of those animals? 3. made for the benefit of those animals 4. a tricky marketing ploy to grasp more of the chocolate market share? If it's fluffy, it's good. Why not one with a homeless guy on the front of the wrapper, or a nickeled-&-dimed blue collar worker? Which one deserves your wallet's attention? That depends on what type of chocolate you like. 

White Chocolate:

1. It's not chocolate. Yes, we all know it, but don't want to admit it. If it were called sissy sweet white goo, we would have to cower from shear shame when we bought it and it would have to go in the brown bag with the 40 and the dirty mag. Perception has value. By marketing this as chocolate instead of white vanilla sugar blocks, profits surge. Good old capitalism, always exploiting someone to make a buck, just now it's you. It's hard out here for a sucker. How can you say that white chocolate is chocolate? Don't even go there. It's sugar, milk, cocoa butter(no cocoa though) and vanilla. No chocolate whatsoever. It was made for those who don't like chocolate but want to say they eat chocolate so they will fit in with their comrades who absolutely love dark chocolate and would excommunicate anyone who doesn't like it. White chocolate is sickly sweet and lacking in any worthy character. Who likes this stuff? Usually young women who don't eat any actual food but need the sugar to stay annoyingly bubbly and the nutritional deprived sugar fiend. This may be the same person. I am not sure. It's the candy for the Midwest; bland, boring, and white. It goes well with a plain russet potato and a plain steak. 
2. Again, it's not chocolate. This is why it is purchased. It looks fancy and tastes sweet. It can be classified with crème brûlée, vanilla ice cream, lemon cream pies, curdled sour cream, and Hershey squirts (no chocolate in this either. Don't try to find this in your local store. You may be kicked out by pure disgust). But, for those who like white chocolate, it provides them with a delicate and sweet addition to other sweet items such as strawberries, praline and cream ice cream and nougat. Get that sugar high on. The best parring with this is a bowl of white sugar. Simply add several pieces of white chocolate to your favorite bowl, add about two cups of refined white sugar and stir with a spoon until evenly distributed. This can be used to replace lunch or even dinner if you are a single woman living in Santa Monica or the Marina district in SF. Don't forget to light up a social cigarette afterwards.

Milk Chocolate

1. Comes in a variety of flavors. This is to hide the milky aftertaste of the bar. Aftertaste is highly reminiscent of drinking fresh milk directly from a cow's underside. Cranberries, almonds, toffee, green tea, coffee, orange peel, cinnamon are just a few of the flavors that you can find in these milky bars. They are less about the chocolate and more about the creaminess and other items in the bar. Got to love the 1-2 bugs processed in every chocolate bar. Yum! And you thought that crunchy chunk in your bar was just a chocolate nib. This is a good idea for gifts. Think of all the bugs your friends and family will eat with every bar you give them!
2. Is a second place chocolate. When dark chocolate is not around, this will do fine. But it must have a minimum of 40% cocoa. Otherwise, just grab a handful of Quick (coco flavored) and eat it straight out of your hand as fast as possible. This will have the same effect and taste. Also, because milk chocolate is light in its cocoa content, it does not have the health benefits of dark chocolate. Additionally, it contains more of that dreaded "F" word (no not the one that comes with drinking lots of wine with the opposite sex at wine bar)...fat. That is why it is so much more creamy. Pack it in and pack it on. Watch that butt expand. This is good if you like to do the Brazilian booty shake after a bottle of wine and then post it up on YouTube for all your friends to see.

Dark Chocolate

1. You should have skipped everything else. Why did you even read that stuff above? This is all you need to know and eat. Let this be your trendy overpriced power yoga namasté, your mantra, your fix. If you agree, you are a foodie and probably a snob. Dark chocolate is the best. Skip the creamy goo of white chocolate. You can find similar things in your Elmer's glue bottle. Skip the milky aftertaste and flavor distractions of milk chocolate. Skip right to the high antioxidant, serotonin releasing, special fair-trade gourmet bean variety, high cocoa stimulant content of evil satanic dark chocolate. Sin is here. Grab your wine, your partner and melt the chocolate all over your favorite parts while guzzling wine directly from the bottle. Bacchus would be happy.
2. Go buy it. Now you know it, go get it. Green & Blacks, Dagoba, Scharffen Berger, Dolfin, Divine, Terra Nostra, all excellent brands you most likely never heard of. You might have to give you first-born over for a bar of one of these, but after you take that first bite, you will forget about it and be ready to make a second-born to trade in for another bar. Pair these with wine or a great beer (see beer and wine post). It's best to get drunk and eat them all at once. Think of the flavor combinations. It's like Jellybellies for adults. Forgo the wine and cheese party and have a booze and chocolate party. Plain chocolate bars for dessert? Yes. It's darn good. Tastier and healthier than all the cheap and fatty deserts you buy at Ralphs or in the frozen section at TJs. You can find it online too! Do a search for "buy dark chocolate" and you will see specialty chocolate shops pop up. What better than chocolate delivered to your door? What about eating chocolate when it's being delivered to your door? What about drinking wine and eating chocolate when it's being delivered to your door? What about drinking wine, eating chocolate, and doing it doggy-style when it's being delivered to your door? You get the picture. I stop here. You go on.

Now you know the truth about chocolate. The secrets have been revealed and you are the wiser. Go forth and be a glutton with a wicked smirk on your mug.

People With Babies vs. People Without Babies

Are you the culprit with the inconsolable crying purple-faced infant in the new trendy restaurant, trying to sneak in a glass of wine before the next yelp? Are you the annoying 21 year old hipster acting like a mentally underdeveloped 12 year old or the older had-work-done-on-your-face hipster pretending to be 18 but is really a 40-to-lifer? Maybe you are neither and are at home watching the game or playing with your baby during tummy-time. The fact is that there are quite a few of us with babies and without babies. Apparently there is a baby boom now, so this duality might be more apparent than ever.

People Without Babies

1. Carefree. It's great to be blatantly irresponsible. Who cares? Do what you want, when you want. Enjoy life while you still have it, even if it's at the expense of others. Stay up late, chain smoke like a MFer, drink then throw up, drink then throw up and drink then throw up. Can you hear the sound of the walrus in bouncing off the bathroom walls and out of the porcelain toilet bowl? Here it comes again, EEEERRRUUUPPPPP, EEEERRRUUUPPPPP. Why God why? I promise I will never drink that much again, I swear. just this once... please......EEEERRRUUUPPPPP! It's all fun and games until you hit a certain age and start thinking about having kids, or your partner does and you just kinda freak-out a little. You are now at the age where you notice you don't have kids and others do. Do you feel the pressure? Does your mate give you that look with that certain deadly sparkle in their glistening eye? Ultimatum is it? A lonely dreadful longing like something is desperately missing in their life? Run now. Run fast. The stroller is almost in your hands! Those little cute baby beanie caps are almost making you smile! Ahhhhhhh! Back to the bar again at 1:30am. Drink, smoke, swear, drink, flirt with #1, drink, flirt with #2, get slapped, drink, smoke, repeat. 
2. Dumbfounded Lack of Comprehension. It's obvious that when your friends, relatives, or uncomfortably close strangers have their children in close proximity to you, you get dizzy-headed, body temperature goes up, and feel compelled to run screaming to the fence, jump it and run down the trash-littered alley until you run into a homeless guy with oddly-enough-nice-shoes who is willing to share his 40 and a dumpster half eaten Chinese take-out with you. Don't be surprised if you wake up the next morning with his shoes on, your wallet missing, and a confusingly sore butt. So, you panicked. It happens. But for some reason you always have a blank expression on your face when they talk about their kids. The words don't even make sense. They just babble out of their moving mouths and the words just kinda float around your head, then rise up and disappear into the sky above. You watch this happen every time. So odd. The parents seem so enthused and involved in what they are saying, but it just does not make any sense. When they say "diaper" all you can think about is getting some nachos with extra guac and a nice cold Corona with lime (see beer post) to wash it down with. Diaper...nacho...diaper...nacho, repeat.

People With Babies 

1. Always Tired Looking. So why is it that they always looked like they were out partying all night, every night? What do they know that people without babies don't? Is there a secret and mysterious "order of the baby keepers" that guard the secrets to the world's best parties and good-times from everyone else? Is this a cult? Do you really want to know? Please send $5 and two proof of purchases from Coco Krispies and I will  enlighten you via telepathy. Look again, see those bags under their eyes? Look again, see that trembling lower lip and the bloodshot eyes about to open a gateway of tears likening to a tremendous Katrina level of flooding? Look again, see the smirk on the baby's face? Ah, yes...the culprit. The only one here who parties like a rockstar is the little munchkin-butt. Up all night, wiggling around, drinking, getting plenty of play from a fine pair of boobs, and always the center of attention. What the parents would give for an hour break to have an extra-large glass of wine (or beer) and some solid deep nothing-in-this-world-will-wake-me-up sleep. Especially mom. All this is paying the dues, so that some day, their little rockstar will return the favor and put them in a nice retirement home at the beach and maybe have to change their diapers. From pampers (or Seventh Generation to those who know) to Depends. And so the world goes round.
2. Baby Crazy. All I ever hear is baby this, and baby that, and baby this that. Why do they only talk about what their kid did or does or will do? Poop, crawling, first words, cute new clothes, strollers, toxic baby toys and bottles, what to watch out for at home or daycare...what's the dealio? Did you ever have a pair of shoes or a car that you liked so much and went through hell to get, that all your friends became sick of your obsessive love and talk of it? Bingo. Ever not eaten all day because you were so insanely busy but then you realized how dangerously hungry you were and could not stop thinking about eating that huge Italian deli sandwich or that steaming marinated rotisserie chicken or that gigantic $20 salad from the WholeFoods mile-long salad bar? Ta-da! You decide what you want, wait forever to get it, and have to go through hell to actually have it. When you have it, it's so good. Just don't eat or drive your baby. This might only work with nachos and extra guac. Their baby is their life and their love. All they do is feed it, try to make it sleep, change the diapers, play with it, and give it their undivided, yet ridiculously worn-down-to-the-stump ADD attention, repeat, repeat, repeat. And I forgot to say...repeat. But then the rewards come. When the baby looks at them with love in it's eyes and gives them a huge gummy smile, or when it hugs them, says ma-ma or da-da to them, it's all worth it and everything magically disappears and flags do fly and castle trumpets do blow and angels do sing and all the animals in Narnia stand up and applause. Something like that anyways.

Does it make sense? Did I help create that spark that will hopefully light the flame and developing inferno of comprehension? Let it burn and next time take a good look at the other side and appreciate what each of you have.

Hybrids vs. SUVs

What do you drive? Do you enjoy your car? Like so many of us, a vehicle is an expression of who we are, even if it is not intended to be so. We follow our beliefs and purchase based on those beliefs. Whether we want a midlife crisis Porsche, an ego trip Hum-V, or a make-the-world-a-better-place Prius, we all have something to say. What is predominate lately is the battle of the hybrids vs gas guzzling SUVs, black with tinted window of course. Which side are you on? Or are you still on the sidelines?

SUV

1. Big and Bad. You have to stay protected when you rip around the corner with your extra tall triple mocha in one hand and the wheel and cell phone in the other. Someone might jump out at you trying to kung fu you when you're not looking. And as you drive over the corner of the curb and barley miss a few pedestrians waiting for the bus after a hard day of shopping, you run through the crosswalk a few feet in front of an old lady with a walker and two skateboarders. Whewww. That was a close one. They almost scratched your perfectly glistening solid black SUV that is bigger than your neighbors, and washed more often then their year old child. Take up two parking spots in the lot, never signal when you cross the lane, and run the red because you have self-entitlement issues and by-the-way, your SUV is bigger than theirs. But doesn't it feel good to have an eagle's view of the city roads? Rolling over bumps and potholes like they are nothing. Other cars fall into them and never return. It's nice to be prepared in case you have to go off-roading in an emergency chasing down a terrorist or being chased by the local police. If only there was a camo option...with little shiny skulls. This thing holds a lot of cargo. Do you know how many shopping bags can fit in the average SUV? I have no idea, but it would be quite a feat to fill that vast cavern up with goodies. Forget the bikes, camping gear and emergency kit, let's fill it up with a day of shopping. Shopping Utility Vehicle right?
2. Hard on the Wallet. Gas at $4 a gallon. That hurts when you drive a tank on wheels. $100 fill ups? Ugh. Time to learn how to syphon the gas out of your neighbors SUV. Bust out the hose and a large screwdriver to pop the cap open at midnight. Can you install rechargeable batteries in the cargo space in this thing? Time to take all the batteries out of your kids favorite toys, yes–Tickle Me Elmo too, and wire those bad boys up to your new Radioshack electric engine(not that there is one yet). Unlike most of the new SUV Hybrids that obtain terrible gas mileage because the hybrid system is used for extra horsepower vs. up -front driving power, there needs to be one that is obviously conscious about being fuel efficient. 200hp is plenty. What? You want the 500hp so you can beat your neighbor to the the local Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for your triple-frappa-moca-crappa-chino-with-a-splash-of-decaf-and-nonfat-milk? Don't forget to sprinkle it with some cinnamon and chocolate powder. I think gas prices finally match the price of those things now. What if your SUV could run off the Bean's coffee? Double bonus!
3. OMG!, Did You Say Global Warming or Something? In the face of hard facts that global warming (climate change for those who water it down) is accelerating and making the ice-caps and Antarctic fall apart at record rates (good time to start an Italian shaved ice shop--think of all the free ice available, bad time to be an Eskimo or polar bear) people are still buying the biggest and baddest SUV they can find. It's not like 8MPG vehicles are accelerating global warming or anything. Why would millions of SUVs burning through 20 gallons of gas a week do that? Soon, I foresee SUVs being pulled by multiple oxen or Clydesdale horses. Or better yet, the SUV owners' kids? Whoever said the future never effects our children? The ostrich hides it head when it feels threatened(at least in mythology), so the SUV driver continues to drive when the world is falling apart partially due to their driving habits. Sand in your ear? Shake it out. Other options are available. Pogo-sticks anyone?

Hybrids:

1. Expensive? People say hybrids are expensive. But then they go out and buy a Mercedes or Lexus SUV. Huh? Danger......does......not......compute......So, to make this straight, because a hybrid costs $21K, I will go out and spend $15K more to get a gas guzzler. Okay. 2+2=5. Class dismissed. The payoff is fairly immediate for FUEL-EFFICIENT hybrids. Horsepower hybrids won't save you any gas, although the car industry likes to market these ones for maximum profits. Fuel-efficient hybrids can save you $50-$100 a week. That adds up fast. Who cares if you are conservative or liberal, this just makes sense. Save that money and use it for your kid's college fund, your wine bar fund or your dating fund.
2. Damn Liberals. Okay, this is something that does not make any sense. An international corporation has created a product to sell in a capitalist society. Demand meets need. Simple business, simple profits. Where are the tree-huggers here? Yet, ever since fuel-efficient hybrids came out, the US media (which is owned by some of the largest corporations in the world and just happen to be ultra-conservative in their politics) has relentlessly slandered them. Think of all the news stories slamming the Prius and the Honda Civic hybrid. Strange huh? Can you say "agenda" boys and girls. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, these same huge conglomerate corporations also have ties to profit making in war and oil services. After all, this is a capitalist society and where is the profit in saving the earth vs. pillaging it?–a possible new topic for the blog? ;) Do your homework kids. Unfortunately, this is business as usual.
3. Feel All Warm and Fuzzy. –Unless you are Italian or Sicilian, then you already are warm and hairy now. Well, if we are stuck with frat-boy, gas-binge-drinking cars, at least we can make a choice to buy something that will save us some coin and help save our planet from complete and utter implosion. You get to drive around feeling all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that you are making a conscious effort to make this world a better place for everyone. On that note, a pair or walking shoes, a bike, pogo-stick, or even the dreaded public transportation system, with the scary guy in the back with one hand on a bottle and the other in his pocket (he just left the wine bar –see wine post), is the best thing you can use to move your butts around your town. Even buses are going green with not-perfect, but better alternative fuels.

So gas up with your extra large black bean burrito, strap on your vegan walking shoes and hit the pavement to save the world and a few bucks.

Wine vs. Beer

Hmmm. The choice presents itself. What do you do? Is it wine or is it beer? What connotations go with each. What will people think of you? Are you hip, are you a snob, are you a dirty alley sleeping bum(or dumb drunk college student) with a brown bag and a wide-mouth 40?

Wine

1. Expensive. This blood red nectar of the gods (or French bums) runs the gamete in terms of how much green it can suck from your wallet. Like to buy at WholeFoods? Goodbye wallet, hello alleyway. Better grab that brown bag. Generic beer will be your best friend now as you cry over how you spent your last month's rent on a case of wine and although it was damn good, you had to sell your cat to cover your utility bill debt. Now your lonely and homeless. Two-Buck-Chuck you say? Do you really believe that cheap junk in your glass is wine? Come on over, join my little cult and drink the CoolAid. You can only fool yourself for only so long. Soon you will wake up in a middle of a sip and projectile vomit that sour Welch's grape juice all over your date who you just offered a glass of it to as well. Maybe it will be a Two-Up-Chuck evening. Dump it down the drain now. Seriously. But really, you can get good cheap wine. Just stay away from the stuff that sells for $36 as case. Tip of the day: go to the Spanish & South American wine section at Trader Joes and stock up on those wines. Cheap and good. Tip two: buy in bulk from a local wine shop and ask for a case discount. SAVINGS! For the ultimate wine value dealer, check out www.wine-searcher.com and find your favorite wine for cheaper. So now you can still get drunk and keep your place! Remember, better wine means better sex! Just give the other person more of the bottle. Even if you are alone, you now can seduce your hand with class. Solid.
2. Intimidating. Wine can be very intimidating for wine virgins. So many types of wine, so many wineries, so many countries, and not enough people at the bar to sleep with. Here it comes...wine bar. Did you hear the voices of cherubs, Mozart and a deafening room-filling angel singing chorus of "AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"? You should have. If not, get your ears checked. You need to hear it.  At the wine bar ( I am serious, search one out) you can sample most if not all the wines in the establishment. No seducing your hands here. There are plenty of worried wine virgins here that are already drunk, pretending to enjoy the nose and lingering flavors of their wine. Try several wines each time you go. Learn what you like and then buy similar wines for home. Done deal. You are now classy and a snob. Having better sex yet?
3. So good. Oh yes, so good. Now you can enjoy the nuances of the wine on your ex-white trash, former bland Midwest palate and enjoy the explosions of flavor and spice as well as the lingering attitude you will have developed now that you are an expert, an aficionado, a gourmand. Take this to the next level and go to wine events. Yes, wine events! What's this? There are wine events? Oh yes. Wine festivals, wine tastings, wine themed dinners, and you can go to the epicenter of wine, the winery. Go on wine tours and hit multiple wineries in one day. You will never be more drunk. You can tell people that you went on a cultural escapade of tasting wines at wineries and they will be envious. Really you were getting drunk off who-know-what type of wine–as long as it has alcohol, keep it pouring. Try taking a bike tour of the wineries and you will end up riding your bike in the center of the road singing at the top of your lungs and wobbly pulling over to the side to take a long wine pee and then proceed to hump the next staggering drunk person behind you. It's easier if you get them off the bike first. Make sure you bring the wine with you and watch out for the vines (SF post reference: check the dress).

Beer

1. Cheap. It's good to get a deal on a good six pack, but don't go too ghetto on the beer. Beer has so much to offer and can challenge a good wine when done right. Don't believe it? There are books written on beer pairing with food and newer high-end restaurants are now serving special dinners with beer pairings. Take that one to the bank! No Bud Light, Corona with a sissy lime or college crap like that. You need real beer. Something a hefty lumberjack, drunk Irishman at a pub in Dingle or a wasted German banker in green lederhosen at Oktoberfest would be proud to drink. Look to the Northwest for some of the best beers in the US and to Belgium(conflict diamonds, slave labor chocolate, and good beer!) for highly refined beers that will stun you silly with how champagne-like they are, and have the alcohol content to knock you on your silly ass! Go microbrew, Abbey style ale, or English/Irish pub beer (Fullers' London Porter) and you can't go wrong and feel ashamed of making a wrong beer choice that you should be slapped across the face with a English-style garden gnome for. Don't lose your beer license.
2. Beer Mouth. Yep, that foamy dry mouth thing that makes you feel like you are a rabid dog seeking a hairy legged mailman and you don't care has mace. Rabid as you are, you keep on drinking more to quench your thirst and the ocean of foam in your mouth of a sea. Will it ever end? Not until you pass out. Keep on drinking. Beer breath goes great with a date. They love it. Nice and stinky all the way. So sexy. You should have some garlic to go with that. What about garlic beer? I am sure you can find that in some crazy German beerhouse in Munich. Mmmm..foamy garlic. Why doesn't wine do this? It just makes your breath sweet so your honey wants to make out with you. Beer...you will have to make out with the bum in the alley who has the 40 in hand. Even the French bum won't want to kiss you. Time for the hand again. Romance at last.
3. Beer Gas. Have you ever farted like a frat boy after a night of heavy beer drinking? Yep, that's the beer, not the nachos or peanuts you ate at 1:30am while you starred with beer goggles at what you thought was an attractive partner at the end of the bar(remember SF? Check under that dress, otherwise you will wake up with a sore butt). That's okay, just blame it on the beer and hope your friends never find out. They will have teasing rights for years to come. Beer is gassy, especially in large quantities. Prepare to wake up in the morning to a nice blue haze in the bedroom. No smoking please. That could be quite dangerous. Not only is it gassy, but very fibrous. I won't go into that one. You probably are having Vietnam-style flashbacks as I write this. Sorry for the butt trauma. Wine has this problem too. Actually, if you drink enough of any fine alcoholic beverage you will face the same dire consequences. Alcohol is your friend and your foe.

So, what's it going to be? Maybe neither now. The choice is yours. Drink up and make an ass of yourself. No table dancing please.

Los Angeles vs. San Francisco

Oh, so may drinks have been consumed and spilled over this one over the years by countless people. This is the epic battle on the West Coast. Nor Cal or So Cal? Let the fist-fights begin. Kickboxing anyone? Tempers flare up, faces turn red and curse words ooze out that will make your ears cry and wither up only to run away into a small dark secluded cave. 

There are die-hard LA fans and die-hard SF fans, but everyone seems to have an opinion on this, even if they have not been to one or even either. Both places have their own personality for better or for worse. This will be hard to keep short. Maybe there will be a Part II.

LA

1. Has great weather. Sunny, bright, really bright (need black sunglasses to ward off the nuclear explosion intensity of light). Lots of beach and ocean (it just goes and goes, probably the world's largest cat litter box--maybe for the homeless too? What's that you've stepped in? Squishy you say?). In LA people really wear flip flops and shorts while hauling their Christmas trees from the lot to their black, forty foot, 8MPG SUV..that's weather.
   
2. Has terrible smog to go with the great weather, usually making what would be the most beautiful weather in the nation a brown hazy, building and mountain-view erradicating, black-lung producing heath nightmare. Want some fries (IN-N-OUT burgers are preferred in LA, not MCDs'--that's another post) with that chunky brown air? Serve it up with some respirators. It kind of makes all the hyper-active exercise freaks' activities in LA seems futile. Be fit and get asthma at the same time...want to run the LA Marathon?
   
3. Lots of ethnicity. This is a strong point, incase you are thinking otherwise. Mixed cultures are a great place to be exposed to different world views, point of interest, and learning tolerance and acceptance which strengthens the fabric of our society. Besides that, this brings great take-out menus to each household. No more white-bred, bland taste bud, Ohio natives here anymore. Learn to love diversity and celebrate it.
   
4. Bad traffic. This might be the worse place to commute in the US. Did you ever see LA Story starring Steve Martin? Go see it. It's true. If you thought your city was bad, just wait until 3:00pm here, yeah that when the traffic has already stalled here. Not even 5:00pm yet. Not only do you get to sit in traffic and read those lame "10 minutes to downtown" signs (you always have to triple the time to make it accurate), but you can take in the nice weather and breath the fresh smog. Ahhhh. I can almost smell it now. But people do have nice cars in LA. Everyone wants that black SUV (washed everyday of course) or that black Mercedes with black tinted windows and black license plates–because everyone want to secretly be an undertaker in LA.

SF

1. COLD! Did you forget to bring your arctic coat with you to SF? What no fur here? PETA? Candlestick, I mean 3M park, I mean.....rename it however many times you want. It's still Candlestick and will always be Candlestick and those who froze their behinds off watching the Giants there know that. It's summer and 50 degrees today? WTF? At least the water is clean, wait that damn tanker spilled oil all over the pristine bay. At least there is the air. Except when Muni drives by and then you have Vietnam style flashbacks to LA air. Oxygen therapy anyone? Wait, that's LA. But if you hate LA heat, then SF cold is a godsend. No more sweating and you can wear your $500 designer cashmere sweaters for once in your life. In LA they all have moth holes and can be worn only a few times a year, between the months of Jan-March. Yes, December is too hot here. That's what the flip-flops and shorts are for when you pick up that sweltering X-mas tree.
2. Food. Very good food. Very Very good food. Anyone who says LA has better food has never been to SF. The food there is of the utmost highest food snob quality. So, stick your noses up in the air and be proud to chow on SF grub. Organic, local-based, rich cutting-edge flavors, winery inspired fare. No bland food there. You need to go to LA to find that overpriced, old rich white person nasty food. I still don't get why the food in LA is so bad. Is it because everyone in LA is from the MidWest where all food is bland and simple? And all the native Californians move to SF? Not sure, but might be.
3.  It's a REAL city. If you like that sort of thing. Lots of people like suburbs. LA is one huge suburb. It's not a real city environment. SF is. That can be exciting to many people. Go see a play, explore an art exhibit, window shop at authentic and locally owned artesian shops, listen to a symphony, eat at a world-class restaurant or a great ethnic (SF has ethnicity too) dive, take a ride on BART (get mugged and stand in homeless or rich art student pee) and end it with a nightcap at a local bar with a nice local hooker..I mean a special lady friend (check under that dress before you undress).
4. Better educated people. Huh? What's that? Yes. I am sorry to say that LA has a measly 17% College graduate population. That's less than 20% of the entire LA population. Staggering. SF and the Bay Area have a 40-50% rate of college graduates that reside there. This is why the politics and opinions of SF tend to be more progressive and forward thinking than LA. But, if you like dumb beautiful people, LA is your ticket. How many SF people fly to LA to date? Hummm? Anyone? Probably half the flight that you were just on. Wait, you were on that flight too?

So, to each his/her own. But some things are more lame than others. Up next...booze!