Wine vs. Beer

Hmmm. The choice presents itself. What do you do? Is it wine or is it beer? What connotations go with each. What will people think of you? Are you hip, are you a snob, are you a dirty alley sleeping bum(or dumb drunk college student) with a brown bag and a wide-mouth 40?

Wine

1. Expensive. This blood red nectar of the gods (or French bums) runs the gamete in terms of how much green it can suck from your wallet. Like to buy at WholeFoods? Goodbye wallet, hello alleyway. Better grab that brown bag. Generic beer will be your best friend now as you cry over how you spent your last month's rent on a case of wine and although it was damn good, you had to sell your cat to cover your utility bill debt. Now your lonely and homeless. Two-Buck-Chuck you say? Do you really believe that cheap junk in your glass is wine? Come on over, join my little cult and drink the CoolAid. You can only fool yourself for only so long. Soon you will wake up in a middle of a sip and projectile vomit that sour Welch's grape juice all over your date who you just offered a glass of it to as well. Maybe it will be a Two-Up-Chuck evening. Dump it down the drain now. Seriously. But really, you can get good cheap wine. Just stay away from the stuff that sells for $36 as case. Tip of the day: go to the Spanish & South American wine section at Trader Joes and stock up on those wines. Cheap and good. Tip two: buy in bulk from a local wine shop and ask for a case discount. SAVINGS! For the ultimate wine value dealer, check out www.wine-searcher.com and find your favorite wine for cheaper. So now you can still get drunk and keep your place! Remember, better wine means better sex! Just give the other person more of the bottle. Even if you are alone, you now can seduce your hand with class. Solid.
2. Intimidating. Wine can be very intimidating for wine virgins. So many types of wine, so many wineries, so many countries, and not enough people at the bar to sleep with. Here it comes...wine bar. Did you hear the voices of cherubs, Mozart and a deafening room-filling angel singing chorus of "AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"? You should have. If not, get your ears checked. You need to hear it.  At the wine bar ( I am serious, search one out) you can sample most if not all the wines in the establishment. No seducing your hands here. There are plenty of worried wine virgins here that are already drunk, pretending to enjoy the nose and lingering flavors of their wine. Try several wines each time you go. Learn what you like and then buy similar wines for home. Done deal. You are now classy and a snob. Having better sex yet?
3. So good. Oh yes, so good. Now you can enjoy the nuances of the wine on your ex-white trash, former bland Midwest palate and enjoy the explosions of flavor and spice as well as the lingering attitude you will have developed now that you are an expert, an aficionado, a gourmand. Take this to the next level and go to wine events. Yes, wine events! What's this? There are wine events? Oh yes. Wine festivals, wine tastings, wine themed dinners, and you can go to the epicenter of wine, the winery. Go on wine tours and hit multiple wineries in one day. You will never be more drunk. You can tell people that you went on a cultural escapade of tasting wines at wineries and they will be envious. Really you were getting drunk off who-know-what type of wine–as long as it has alcohol, keep it pouring. Try taking a bike tour of the wineries and you will end up riding your bike in the center of the road singing at the top of your lungs and wobbly pulling over to the side to take a long wine pee and then proceed to hump the next staggering drunk person behind you. It's easier if you get them off the bike first. Make sure you bring the wine with you and watch out for the vines (SF post reference: check the dress).

Beer

1. Cheap. It's good to get a deal on a good six pack, but don't go too ghetto on the beer. Beer has so much to offer and can challenge a good wine when done right. Don't believe it? There are books written on beer pairing with food and newer high-end restaurants are now serving special dinners with beer pairings. Take that one to the bank! No Bud Light, Corona with a sissy lime or college crap like that. You need real beer. Something a hefty lumberjack, drunk Irishman at a pub in Dingle or a wasted German banker in green lederhosen at Oktoberfest would be proud to drink. Look to the Northwest for some of the best beers in the US and to Belgium(conflict diamonds, slave labor chocolate, and good beer!) for highly refined beers that will stun you silly with how champagne-like they are, and have the alcohol content to knock you on your silly ass! Go microbrew, Abbey style ale, or English/Irish pub beer (Fullers' London Porter) and you can't go wrong and feel ashamed of making a wrong beer choice that you should be slapped across the face with a English-style garden gnome for. Don't lose your beer license.
2. Beer Mouth. Yep, that foamy dry mouth thing that makes you feel like you are a rabid dog seeking a hairy legged mailman and you don't care has mace. Rabid as you are, you keep on drinking more to quench your thirst and the ocean of foam in your mouth of a sea. Will it ever end? Not until you pass out. Keep on drinking. Beer breath goes great with a date. They love it. Nice and stinky all the way. So sexy. You should have some garlic to go with that. What about garlic beer? I am sure you can find that in some crazy German beerhouse in Munich. Mmmm..foamy garlic. Why doesn't wine do this? It just makes your breath sweet so your honey wants to make out with you. Beer...you will have to make out with the bum in the alley who has the 40 in hand. Even the French bum won't want to kiss you. Time for the hand again. Romance at last.
3. Beer Gas. Have you ever farted like a frat boy after a night of heavy beer drinking? Yep, that's the beer, not the nachos or peanuts you ate at 1:30am while you starred with beer goggles at what you thought was an attractive partner at the end of the bar(remember SF? Check under that dress, otherwise you will wake up with a sore butt). That's okay, just blame it on the beer and hope your friends never find out. They will have teasing rights for years to come. Beer is gassy, especially in large quantities. Prepare to wake up in the morning to a nice blue haze in the bedroom. No smoking please. That could be quite dangerous. Not only is it gassy, but very fibrous. I won't go into that one. You probably are having Vietnam-style flashbacks as I write this. Sorry for the butt trauma. Wine has this problem too. Actually, if you drink enough of any fine alcoholic beverage you will face the same dire consequences. Alcohol is your friend and your foe.

So, what's it going to be? Maybe neither now. The choice is yours. Drink up and make an ass of yourself. No table dancing please.