People With Babies vs. People Without Babies

Are you the culprit with the inconsolable crying purple-faced infant in the new trendy restaurant, trying to sneak in a glass of wine before the next yelp? Are you the annoying 21 year old hipster acting like a mentally underdeveloped 12 year old or the older had-work-done-on-your-face hipster pretending to be 18 but is really a 40-to-lifer? Maybe you are neither and are at home watching the game or playing with your baby during tummy-time. The fact is that there are quite a few of us with babies and without babies. Apparently there is a baby boom now, so this duality might be more apparent than ever.

People Without Babies

1. Carefree. It's great to be blatantly irresponsible. Who cares? Do what you want, when you want. Enjoy life while you still have it, even if it's at the expense of others. Stay up late, chain smoke like a MFer, drink then throw up, drink then throw up and drink then throw up. Can you hear the sound of the walrus in bouncing off the bathroom walls and out of the porcelain toilet bowl? Here it comes again, EEEERRRUUUPPPPP, EEEERRRUUUPPPPP. Why God why? I promise I will never drink that much again, I swear. just this once... please......EEEERRRUUUPPPPP! It's all fun and games until you hit a certain age and start thinking about having kids, or your partner does and you just kinda freak-out a little. You are now at the age where you notice you don't have kids and others do. Do you feel the pressure? Does your mate give you that look with that certain deadly sparkle in their glistening eye? Ultimatum is it? A lonely dreadful longing like something is desperately missing in their life? Run now. Run fast. The stroller is almost in your hands! Those little cute baby beanie caps are almost making you smile! Ahhhhhhh! Back to the bar again at 1:30am. Drink, smoke, swear, drink, flirt with #1, drink, flirt with #2, get slapped, drink, smoke, repeat. 
2. Dumbfounded Lack of Comprehension. It's obvious that when your friends, relatives, or uncomfortably close strangers have their children in close proximity to you, you get dizzy-headed, body temperature goes up, and feel compelled to run screaming to the fence, jump it and run down the trash-littered alley until you run into a homeless guy with oddly-enough-nice-shoes who is willing to share his 40 and a dumpster half eaten Chinese take-out with you. Don't be surprised if you wake up the next morning with his shoes on, your wallet missing, and a confusingly sore butt. So, you panicked. It happens. But for some reason you always have a blank expression on your face when they talk about their kids. The words don't even make sense. They just babble out of their moving mouths and the words just kinda float around your head, then rise up and disappear into the sky above. You watch this happen every time. So odd. The parents seem so enthused and involved in what they are saying, but it just does not make any sense. When they say "diaper" all you can think about is getting some nachos with extra guac and a nice cold Corona with lime (see beer post) to wash it down with. Diaper...nacho...diaper...nacho, repeat.

People With Babies 

1. Always Tired Looking. So why is it that they always looked like they were out partying all night, every night? What do they know that people without babies don't? Is there a secret and mysterious "order of the baby keepers" that guard the secrets to the world's best parties and good-times from everyone else? Is this a cult? Do you really want to know? Please send $5 and two proof of purchases from Coco Krispies and I will  enlighten you via telepathy. Look again, see those bags under their eyes? Look again, see that trembling lower lip and the bloodshot eyes about to open a gateway of tears likening to a tremendous Katrina level of flooding? Look again, see the smirk on the baby's face? Ah, yes...the culprit. The only one here who parties like a rockstar is the little munchkin-butt. Up all night, wiggling around, drinking, getting plenty of play from a fine pair of boobs, and always the center of attention. What the parents would give for an hour break to have an extra-large glass of wine (or beer) and some solid deep nothing-in-this-world-will-wake-me-up sleep. Especially mom. All this is paying the dues, so that some day, their little rockstar will return the favor and put them in a nice retirement home at the beach and maybe have to change their diapers. From pampers (or Seventh Generation to those who know) to Depends. And so the world goes round.
2. Baby Crazy. All I ever hear is baby this, and baby that, and baby this that. Why do they only talk about what their kid did or does or will do? Poop, crawling, first words, cute new clothes, strollers, toxic baby toys and bottles, what to watch out for at home or daycare...what's the dealio? Did you ever have a pair of shoes or a car that you liked so much and went through hell to get, that all your friends became sick of your obsessive love and talk of it? Bingo. Ever not eaten all day because you were so insanely busy but then you realized how dangerously hungry you were and could not stop thinking about eating that huge Italian deli sandwich or that steaming marinated rotisserie chicken or that gigantic $20 salad from the WholeFoods mile-long salad bar? Ta-da! You decide what you want, wait forever to get it, and have to go through hell to actually have it. When you have it, it's so good. Just don't eat or drive your baby. This might only work with nachos and extra guac. Their baby is their life and their love. All they do is feed it, try to make it sleep, change the diapers, play with it, and give it their undivided, yet ridiculously worn-down-to-the-stump ADD attention, repeat, repeat, repeat. And I forgot to say...repeat. But then the rewards come. When the baby looks at them with love in it's eyes and gives them a huge gummy smile, or when it hugs them, says ma-ma or da-da to them, it's all worth it and everything magically disappears and flags do fly and castle trumpets do blow and angels do sing and all the animals in Narnia stand up and applause. Something like that anyways.

Does it make sense? Did I help create that spark that will hopefully light the flame and developing inferno of comprehension? Let it burn and next time take a good look at the other side and appreciate what each of you have.