High Society Bars vs. Pubs

A dimly lit hand-carved hardwood booth tucked away in the corner of a Gaelic decorated room with a wandering band of Irish musicians playing classic folk tunes for the afternoon, getting only a free lunch, the comfort of an authentic pub and a few tips here and there from happy Guinness soaked patrons...or will it be the coldly bright, sleek and modern decor, black faux fur cube chairs and plush white leather couches, center-of-attention-look-at-me-I'm-glamourous, open-space-no-where-to-hide-room so you can scope out every local hipster and potential one-nighter after each sip of your $20 peach infused martini? What's your flavor, glamour bars or pubs?

High Society Bars

1. Meat Market Galore. That's the whole purpose of these bars in the first place. If you are the type who is seeking one, you will need to head to your local ultra-luxury hotel or stop when you see a valet line of $100k shiny black tinted window SUVs and luxury cars pulling up with 20 to 40 year olds being hand carried from the vehicle by condescending silk-gloved indentured servants to the front door. This is it. Walk through that door and the world changes. No longer is the world you know exist, you now enter a sleek, sexy, highly-competitive dating environment usually reserved for professional call-girls, gigalos, gameshow hosts and B-rate actors. Welcome. Are your clothes up to snuff, is your hair groomed or disheveled enough, are your shoes nice enough for this? The thoughts pass as you walk through the door and enter the main room. Everything comes to a halt and everybody, I mean everybody, deliberately stops what they are engaged in (drinking, conversing, making out, sneaking out without paying the bill) and beams a cold and inquisitive look at you for exactly one second–until they realize you are not the celebrity flavor of the week. Sadly, the attention leaves and you walk up to the bar and order a $25 mojito and a bowl of organic edamame flown in fresh from some obscure temple in Kyoto. What are the other rich hipsters doing now? What and who are they talking about? Gossip and small talk are of the utmost importance here. Leave contemporary culture, politics, the environment and religious philosophical debate outside. Dumb yourself down, but stay arrogant. Talk about your car, your acting or directing career or make up some sort of a glamourous career (if the person next to you has a better one, just make something better up) and most importantly, talk about how great you are, but buy them a glass of champagne, a Belgian beer, or a nice glass of wine with some Horny Goat Weed extract in it. They need some incentive to stay with you and not move on to the next slickly-dressed, hipster wearing sunglasses at night candidate.
2. Hello Drinks and Appetizers, Goodbye Paycheck. This is the other purpose of these swanky establishments. They are carefully calculated to maximize profit per capita in their slick chairs and chromed designer bar stools. Otherwise, this place would be out of business in two months, except if it's backed by the Mafia (hint: if the owner wears all black and answers to a man cloaked in a dark secluded room at the back of the restaurant, it might have good Sicilian food. Be sure to ask). Triple the wine prices, double the beer prices, aim for the sky with the cocktails and the stratosphere for the few and very esoteric appetizers available. Word to the wise: beforehand, go and get yourself that big Italian deli sandwich or that WholeFoods $20 salad from their salad bar section, yes an entire section in the store just for fresh salads. Do you like buffalo wings, curly fries, nachos, or egg roles? Then you must leave now. Get up and go. Here you will get the smallest possible egg omelet in the world (made by the smallest asian hands in the world) served with one asparagus tip. $15 please. No? What about the half inch cube of raw ahi on four daikon radish sprouts with a squirt of wasabi? $20 please. Hey, but at least there is a dude in the bathroom ready with mints and warm towels. Please tip this poor guy. He has to suffer through all of your bowel movements and grunting as well as try to make conversation during your time there as so not to make things weird...it's already weird.

Pubs

1. Are for Drunks. Well, that may be true, but drunks are a lot of fun. These places might be too down-to-earth for some people and the drink and faire too blue-collar. After all, fish and chips don't come on a sushi plate or with a squirt of wasabi. But the drinks du jour are usually $4-$6 a pint. After a few of these, you will fit right in. You might even drink a few too many and start to talk in an Irish, English or Scottish accent. The bar staff loves it to death when strangers walk into their pub and do this. It will make you the star of the bar. After you are hit a few times on the head by real drunk English folk you will see stars flying around your head. Yes, you are restricted to either English, Irish, or even some Scottish ales. But that goes with the accent. Is this Redcoat oppression? Nope, just getting back at us from stealing their cotton and tobacco colony. That's okay. Wouldn't you rather get drunk off of some good old Murphy's or Bass and try to throw darts at the board, but usually hit the wall or some "sunglassses at night" hipster that thought this place was a trendy dive? No wasabi here, keep those $250 jeans moving. The only other person to talk to you in the bathroom here is the loud drunk guy holding a sloshing pint in one hand, the other hand on the wall so he doesn't fall over into the toilet, and in a slur, apologizing for thinking your shoe was the urinal. Or was that the reverse? After all, don't your shoes look dry?
2. Have great comfort food. You can find some of the coziest food at your local pub. From the nasty little dark brown and red Irish sausage discs (you don't want to know what's in those–just eat it fast, smile, keep from barfing it up, and order another Guinness) to the world's best fish n' chips, soul-filling shepard's pie, and if you're lucky, a true staple corned beef and cabbage boxty. Combine that with the large wooden booths you and your friends can hide away in and feel secluded from the rest of the pub, and you have a perfect rainy day, crackling-wood-in-the-fireplace hideout. To top that, wait until the midweek or Sunday afternoon and you might be lucky enough to hear a live band playing traditional Irish tunes. You could almost pretend you were in another country, away from our current political woes and civil liberty wounds. Comfort your worries away with pub style...drink and eat it away. No annoying hipsters or pretentious aspiring actresses trying too hard to be the center of attention. Glamour, glitz, and vanity all gone. Just relax, be yourself and enjoy your time. Is there a lesson to learn here? Maybe, but it's hard to ponder when you're feeling so good.

Go to where you feel at home.